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Book: The Midnight Library

It is one of the books that blown my mind. It's very well written and would probably relate with a lot of people who are in their journey to find themselves.  So many people are talking about it but I did not buy it until a few months ago where I read the preview on the first pages. Easy for me to see if I want to buy the book or not. When the first pages hook me right away, I don't need to think twice. This book is one of them.  This contains spoiler of course.  Nora, the main character, like many of us, fall into depression and decided to kill herself. But she's not dead right away. She went into a kind of limbo between life and death. In that library she met a librarian, this librarian is a kind of a guide. Our guide that probably tasked when we were born.    The librarian shows her lives that she could have had if she wants to. She is so depressed and thinks that no life will makes her happy enough to live it. I can totally understand her state. I was there....
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Hey, I Am Turning 30!

I always thought that wherever I go, August will be the hottest month of the year. Because it is summer for most people. August is my favourite but I always hated it for being the hottest month. But hey, if I move my ass to Australia, I'll be having August in winter! 

I forgot that Australia is different. Although it is considered winter, the weather seems good between 15-22 degrees. It's the best temperature ever. August is my favourite month of the year. 

Anyway, I am turning 30 today. A new milestone. I am feeling anxious lately. Some people said, "You're a young adult in your 20s but you became an adult when you turn 30" yea that definitely didn't help my anxiety. 

When my mum was 30, I was already 10. So yes I had this in my mind, "30 is serious age, by that time I am probably married, have one of two toddlers." Everything was planned traditionally just like how I saw my mum. Graduate, job, married, having kids, living like a normal family. Turns out, life is not how I planned it. But I am enjoying every bit of it 💙

Looking back to my 20s, if I knew all of these then I might do things differently. No, I don't regret it, just... I would do it differently. It happened anyway. 

Oh, one thing that I can't believe is happening ... I got this "pulled a muscle" more often than 10 years ago OH.MY.GOD. 🙈 Oh, I also recently walking a lot more than usual. I always loved to walk but it stopped for a few years. I just started it again. It feels good. 

Living for 30 years got me realized that I am not behind anyone. I am walking on my own term, my own timeline. I may reach a higher level other than people, I may be behind too. But that doesn't matter because they're not my goals. I have my own. 

30 is something big for me. I am having mental breakdowns pretty often lately. Not to mention that this whole situation make it even harder. There is a lot of shitty adult stuff happening and my poor brain can't take it all at once. I am feeling burnout easily. I thought I can handle it, but I guess I reached the point where I would need to just ... "fuck it!"  

I am grateful for staying healthy, surrounded by special people in my life. My grandma usually always be the first to say happy birthday to me. It’s my second birthday without her. I miss her so much.

And for some people who are trying to screw me, FUCK YOU! You'll pay for that.

One thing for sure though, I am happy with myself and I take it seriously. I can compromise but I don't please people, I know what I want. My personal life and personal choices are off-limits. Of course, sometimes I lose track but I will always get back to it. I can be hard on myself, I can be so soft and letting myself cry all night and bounce back the next day. Sometimes life hits you that hard, and the only one who can save yourself is you.

Have a great 30, me. It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay and it's gonna be exciting. Thanks for surviving and I love you. 💚

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