What is Home?

Is it a place? Or a feeling? 

Let's dive in. 

I told a friend of mine that I am feeling close to home since I live in Bali. I have never felt of feeling home anywhere. Every after 2 years of living in a city, I had the itch to move. I definitely never felt home in my parents place. It's their place, not mine. 

I did not know that until I left the town to study in another city. There was some sense of relieve that I was out of that town. Yea sure people thought it's weird. "It is your home, you were born there." Yes, that's the definition of having a house while growing up. I think. Not the sense of belonging. 

I dared to explore that feeling. 

I told myself, "Let's get out of this town and be free." I still visit my parents of course, but I never stay longer than a week. I don't belong there. 

Moving cities a few times, for work, school, and ended up living in Bali. I even told myself that I would never move to Bali for living, with several logical reasons. Well, only a year after that I became a resident here. Lesson learned, you never know what will happen. Expect the unexpected. 

But the glad feeling of leaving my town remain the same after almost 20 years. I took a chance to move to Bali, little did I know that it was one of the best decisions I ever made. 

Then like what usually happen, I waited until after two years. "Ah, maybe I wanna move city again after 2 years." I was wrong. That itch didn't exist. It was more like curious of moving city, not because I don't like living here. 

It wasn't easy to integrate with the way Balinese live here. As Javanese, some of things they're doing got me raising my eyebrows almost every time. But I learned on how to slow down. I learned how to relax. I learned how to focus on the presents. I learned how not to overthinking. I learned how to expect the unexpected as we drive then stuck in a traffic caused by ceremonies. I learned how to align myself with the universe. Yep that does sound heavy but when they have ceremonies during full moon and new moon, I am much more in the present to stop and admire the phase of the moon. (don't bother, it's because I love moon and the outer space very much). 

One of the thing that I love about living here is Nyepi, the silence day where we're not allowed to leave the house for a full day, with no lights on so at night I can see the ocean of stars on my backyard. It gives me the best feeling. A heart full of lights and love. 

I can feel that I become a better person, knowing myself way better than before. I can regulate the noise on my head better. I can calm my nerves easier than before. I am busy understanding myself, so I have no time to bother people. 

It does not make me feel better than anybody else, that's not my goal and I don't care about that. But for myself only. When I am a better person, I can love more, I can understand more, I can sympathize more, I have more empathy to my surrounding. 

I am mentally grounded. And I love myself for that. 

Of course I have lacking here and there, but knowing that I am mentally grounded has made my life easier. If I were the ocean with big waves crashing against the shore, now I am an ocean wave that crashes against the mangrove first before reaching the shore. That's how I describe my mental situation now. 

That friend of mine said, "Perhaps, home is just a place that connects to your deepest authentic being, your own sanctuary." That's how I realized why I am feeling home in Bali. 

For those who are still looking for home, it's probably already there, deep in your heart 😉